Where did I go wrong?

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Where did I go wrong?

Postby Red » 2003.05.16 11:15 am

I wrote this a year ago after the breakup of the last gf I had. It's amazing to look back on this kind of stuff after the heat dies down.

For months and months, and years now, I've been busting my ass to attempt to understand and be happy with the female race. Needless to say, I have failed. I have reached the point where I'm completely lost and helpless with my attempts at the opposite sex. I can't even being to explain some of the agony I've gone through being that nice, sensitive guy I'd always thought women wanted. I've had yet another confirmation that this is indeed what they don't want. I ask myself where did I go wrong, why do I deserve this, am I being punished, and so on. And no matter what I do or try to tell myself, I cannot reach a conclusion. I've reached a dead end. A complete dead end. I loath the opposite sex for making me feel these ways, and I kick myself for never learning my lesson the first time it happened. But a person always tells himself there's hope beyond a shitty day, or what's the point of going on? Well, life is shit. Happiness is impossible to attain, and lying to yourself by saying there's hope is shit because it only crushes you more when you get another indication it's entirely opposite that. It's horribly depressing to give as much as you possibly can and not get anything in return, time after time. No matter what, you'll always realize you put forth all your effort for nothing and only kick yourself for thinking it might all add up to something worthwhile. Because it doesn't. It only wastes energy and spirit on something that's far less than worth it. I want to scream, bust things, and exert all my anger and sadness I've been bottling up for years. But I can't, because I truly have no one to really come to. Sure, I have friends to talk to, and whatnot. But a person can have everything in the world and feel completely and utterly alone. I am alone. I couldn't explain the psychological trauma I've been put through and put myself through based on all my experiences. I have years ahead of me, but I'll never forget the ways I felt at this age. And it scares the hell out of me, because if I truly do have something worthwile in my future, I'll be too fucking terrified to ever see it and even if I do I'll be even more terrified to pursue it. And I'm even more tired of hearing the same old lines over and over, that it's not the end of the world and blah blah. Well no fucking shit. I'm not so fucking arrogant that I dont know a H.S. relationship doesn't mean squat. But this is going to ruin me for the future, because I'll never think a woman will see me as worthwhile or lovable or whatever. And all because I was stupid enough to think that when I found someone nice, it might mean a wee bit more than just a standard high school relationship. Being in shit relationship after shit relationship, I let my guard down when someone much different came along. And I thought maybe I was finally getting a little break, so I let my guard down even more. And all I did was leave myself open for a major ass fucking, which is exactly what happened. Once again, I'm left in the dust feeling sorry for myself while the other person is more than happy to be rid of me. And I hate that feeling. I hate it more than anything. I don't know what I did to go through these experiences, or if they're normal, but it's slowly driving me insane. I fear by the time I reach full adulthood, I'll be too soured to ever enjoy life. I'm surely on the way. I can't even believe the way I've changed because of some things, but it certainly hasn't been for the better. The only thing I've ever really wished for is to just be happy. Apparently, I've been asking for too much because I've been the complete opposite of that for too long. At least much longer than I feel I ever deserved. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm going to turn into someone totally opposite of what I wanted to be, and I feel there's not a thing I can do. Life is hopeless.
I'd piss Coors if I could. You believe that happy crappy?

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