Epiphany

Prophecies and complaints.

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Epiphany

Postby Red » 2004.05.17 5:03 pm

I've been thinking a lot over the past few weeks.

The majority of my friends will already know I've been through hell and back with my relationships, so I don't need to go into those details. It's been over a year since my last relationship, and I can't help but start thinking of when my next one will be.

I basically swore off women since my last girlfriend...sort of a straw that broke the camel's back type deal. I couldn't imagine having another gf, too much work, I had issues with trust, etc. I didn't want it; I was sick of being hurt.

But I'm starting to think otherwise now. Maybe that bitterness that held me back from relationships is fading or loneliness is setting in...I don't know. I know I don't stand a chance at a decent relationship while I still live here, I have no false hopes of anything otherwise. And I know that moving up to Menomonie isn't that far off. But the fact of the matter is despite how much I've hated women and broadcasted I'll stay single for as long I can, I don't think that's how I honestly feel anymore. Maybe it's the fact that I know there isn't anyone around here for me that it bugs me so much...I dunno. I hate the fact that around here I have a past and a reputation, which does affect chances for dating. People just have this certain image of you, no matter what. I've grown so used to being alone that I've forgotten what it's like to be romatically involved with someone. I guess there's only so much friends and booze can do for a person. I enjoy myself, I have a good time with the free time I have. But there's this void in the back of my head that always goes back to a time when I had all of that, and a girlfriend. It's depressing. I would gladly trade another night of getting drunk for a night of spending time with someone I care about in that way...it just bugs me I don't even have the closest of options.
I'd piss Coors if I could. You believe that happy crappy?

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Postby Jeff » 2004.05.17 5:45 pm

It makes sense that the bitterness would fade with time. When the shitty things that happened to you aren't so immediate anymore, they're also not as important.
It's also probably just the anxiousness that waiting the summer out is bringing, because you have to just accept the fact that you don't really have anything to do about it til September. I dunno what to tell you besides it's good that you're coming out of this and Stout is sure to have more people worth talking to than good ol' Mayberry.
I do what I can.

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Postby nrunge » 2004.07.31 1:02 am

It is always good to have some down time after a relationship. You need to let alot of things drain. I had a period of close to two years where I never really wanted anything to do with women, and when they interjected themselves into my life it just plain didn't work. However in the past year or so the Runge testosterone machine has spread love all over this great state. Women in the plural is the way to go, most people don't date enough because they like things that are safe. Safe sucks.

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Postby Red » 2004.07.31 1:30 am

Yeah, down time's the best way to put it. The more I've thought about it, I don't even know how I'd handle it if should something have come my way. Everyone says you can't let the past affect the future, but what the fuck do they know? That's basically saying make the same mistakes all over again. Bullshit. Anyway, I know I mentioned in this thread previously I've forgotten what it's like to be with someone, which in a sense is true. But I also don't want to remember what it's like. In that sense, I mean all the negative emotions. Yeah, it's good and dandy having someone. But the more I think about it, I spent more time being miserable with my girlfriends than I did being happy with them. And that's the plain truth. I haven't been happy this past year, but I've been a lot less miserable. I guess that's a start. Who knows. I doubt I'll ever be a one night stand kind of guy, as Nate has talked about...that's never really been my cup of tea. But I'm not sure I'm much of a relationship person anymore, either. In fact, I don't know what the hell I am. I've claimed I wanted companionship, but I'm not so sure that's true. I've grown used to being quite alone. That's messed up. I could take me 3 years ago and me now and there's two completely different people. I think I like the asshole I turned into.
I'd piss Coors if I could. You believe that happy crappy?

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Postby nrunge » 2004.07.31 11:41 am

True, but it is this time in your life when you need to be selfish. I for one think of a girlfriend and I get literally tired. It usually up to the guy to make sure the woman is entertained, if not you are a "boring" guy, or not "outgoing" enough. How many times have you ever heard women labeled as such? Very few because relationships have evolved to the point where that doesnt matter. I personally dont have the time for such horseshit. Between school and my career I am busy enough, if I would have a girldfriend I could pretty much cut my socializing time in half becuase god knows they are going to want to spend time alone together, and Im sure my job and school would suffer to a degree. In the end the route I have chosen is to take school and my career and having a good time without any pre-disposed rules above everything else. People come and go, women especially, in the end I will have an impressive resume', two degrees and alot of crazy nights. Somehow "girlfriend" just doesn't seem to compare right now.

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Postby Red » 2004.12.13 11:59 pm

Wow, I haven't posted in here in half a year. Weird stuff.

I was reading through this and decided to add a few extra thoughts. Funny how half a year can pass and I really don't feel much differently than how I posted above. I'm not going on a bitch rant here. I've had plenty of those. I have no new experience to complain about. I think I've become accustomed to single life...actually, I've embraced it. Seeing my cousin go through the same shit I went through 3 years ago just reminded me of how much I don't miss about the opposite sex. I don't want to make it look like I'm bitter...at least not to the extend that I once was. I think I'm at a phase that I had previously labeled temporary. But I suppose that makes sense because the prior phase, the constant need for a significant other, lasted a hell of a long time. It's just odd looking back at a person that was the complete opposite of what I am now. It sets the mood for a lot of reflections upon myself. So much can change. Every year that's passed has been that much different from the previous one.

Hmm. I have digressed.

In the end, I'm not entirely sure where I stand on women. Is there hate? Not necessarily. Perhaps other negative emotions, but I'm not so sure hate is among them. I do know I'm a far cry away from a need for a relationship, which makes me glad in a sense. It's comforting having that monkey off my back...gives me a sort of independence I didn't have in high school. Of course, I'm sure I'll go back to looking for someone in time. How much time is hard to say. I've never had down time that lasted this long...it's new territory.

I do know one thing. Whenever I get back on the horse, it's going to be very strange. I suppose you get used to something for so long, it kind of grows on you.

You know, it's odd. You have bad experience, and you tell yourself that you'll have good experience when you reach certain milestones. IE: The dream of meeting girlfriend/boyfriend material in high school. Or going to college and meeting REAL girlfriend/boyfriend material. The more I think about it, that's the wrong way to approach the subject. Having your heart set on meeting someone in high school, or in college, etc...is foolish. There's no predetermined time in our life when we're "supposed" to meet someone. If that happens in college, so be it. And likewise for any other point in one's life. I think my major beef was the false impression that I would suddenly find someone in college. Even if I had cared to try, that wouldn't suddenly erase all the hesitation that would stand in the way. I've thrown aside keeping my eyes open, purposely trying to find someone...all that jazz. I haven't given up, per se. It's like I mentioned before, this is no longer a matter of bitterness. Some of the most big and important things in my life have come when I've least expected them. I'm simply sitting back, and enjoying the ride. Whatever happens, will happen of its own free will. Girlfriend or no girlfriend.
I'd piss Coors if I could. You believe that happy crappy?


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