Do you find my penis interesting? Is it your goal in life to help me improve my penis? Would it give you happiness and a sense of fulfillment knowing that you helped contribute to the general well-being of my penis?
You must be the one that keeps sending me email!
Here’s the story:
I receive at least 5 junk emails a day. I define junk as the bulk solicitous email that all of us have at one point received from people we’ve never met who have never quite perfected proper grammar. I consider myself lucky to have such a small pool of garbage to wade through each day, but that isn’t the point of this story. No. My focus lies on the content of the messages. Eighty percent of these emails have to do with my penis.
Let me tell you a little about my penis. It’s fine. That’s all you need to know. I am very happy with the hand I’ve been dealt. I know that there are men in this world walking around with straight flushes, but it doesn’t bother me. I don’t ever play with them anyway.
This is where the problem comes in. I’m happy with my penis, but these people who send me the emails aren’t. As a matter of fact, it seems to be the general consensus that I could and should add at least another four inches to my penis. Now, they all have their reasons: increase my confidence, make women happier, change the channel when I lose the remote… but they do all agree that they can help make it bigger, and that making my penis bigger is a good idea.
I’m not sure who to listen to. These emails are all from different people with different ideas on how to bulk up my penis. They have pills, creams, pumps, weights, exercise techniques, diets… it’s a tough decision. (Notice that I could have said “hard” but restrained myself)
I’ve decided to listen to all of them.
Now, I’ve done the math. To review, I receive four penis emails daily on average, and they all seem to agree that a four inch improvement in overall length is exactly what I need. Now, to be fair, some of these emails also suggest some sort of girth enhancement, but for the sake of keeping my calculations simple, I’ll ignore that for now. We’ll just consider any girth growth a pleasant surprise.
We’re going to assume that all of the claims in these emails are 100% accurate and independent from any other emails. We’re also going to assume that the results are relatively instant. All of my calculations are based on one year’s worth of emails. And finally, my current penis size will not be factored into the result. It will be insignificant in comparison to the behemoth I will soon be wielding.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I responded to every penis email I’ve received over the past year, my penis would be 5,856 inches long.
Yes, my friends, that’s 488 feet.
Now let’s put that in perspective. If I were to lie on my back and think certain thoughts, my penis would stand more than three times taller than the puny 151' Statue of Liberty. How’s that for a national monument? And do you realize that you’d have to be at least on the 35th floor of most skyscrapers to even have the privilege to look down on my penis? Amazing.
Now, how much blood would it take to fill this monument to phallic flesh? Well, we said we’re ignoring girth enhancement, so I’ll be using the average penis diameter of 1.5" that I found after looking through several online study results. I’ll also be assuming that the entire penis could engorge itself with blood, as the whole blood/flesh ratio is too much to consider at this hour.
With all that in mind, my new penis could hold at least 45 gallons of blood.
This is somewhat of a disappointment, since the average human body only has 1.25 gallons of blood in it at any given time. My new penis would kill me much like a vampire the second I saw a Girls Gone Wild commercial on late night TV.
At least if I was dead, I wouldn’t get any more penis emails.
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