...on the other side of the fence. We've all heard that, and probably thought that at one point or another about our lives. I think the reason it's true for me is that I tend to piss in my own lawn so much I kill it all off.
I'm such a jealous person. It really sucks. I never think I'm good enough for myself or anyone I'm around. These thoughts never dip far below the surface of my conciousness, even when I'm generally happy. It's just always there.
I guess Petey's post the other day that got me all worked up was sarcasm, but I can't help but believe it had at least a small amount of truth behind it. I just don't see how I can be seen as a person with an over-inflated ego or as someone who thinks they're better than everyone else when I have such an inferiority complex.
I'm a constant discrepancy. I know I write well, at least better than most of my peers. However, I can't bring myself to finish any stories that I write for myself because I tear them apart too easily thinking they're crap. More than a couple of people have told me they thought I did a good job in the "Old Yeller" video, or that I'm funny on PTV in general. I can't stand it. It's not that I just don't like seeing myself on camera; I think I've gotten over that. Home videos don't faze me anymore. I just don't think I'm funny at all or have any real acting talent.
It's strange how none of this self-criticism comes immediately. I can always seem to live for the moment and act completely stupid and have a lot of fun, but as soon as I look back on myself in any social situation, I wish I could step back through time and slap myself across the face.
I can't help but think that I'm a failure at everything I've ever tried. I see everyone of my friends as being a better person than I am. They have more friends, they have more fun, they have more stuff (yes, not only am I jealous, but also covetous).
The only time any of this goes away is when I'm with my girlfriend and I think that's how I know I love her. It's not that I run to her for reassurance that I'm worth something to someone, or that I need her to coo over me and stroke my ego. I just know that she believes in me and loves the person that I am. I don't even get to feel that comfortable with my parents since I'm always freaked out about doing well enough in school to keep them happy. The only other person that I ever felt as completely at ease with and accepted by was my grandpa. If I didn't have Lyssa, I'd be a very different person.
I don't know what I'm doing besides throwing out some thoughts right now. I'm not trying to solicit reassurance from anyone. I just want to know how my self-doubt stacks up. Is this something everyone goes through? Does it ever ebb or disappear?
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