I feel like a little kid.
The excitement and quasi-independence that comes pre-packaged with the dorm living experience has all but faded away. I feel like I'm on some extended summer camp program or something. I live in a 10' x 16' box with someone else, I have to be quiet at "lights out" or I'll be disciplined, and I have to share a bathroom (and a shower room) with 50 other men. Oh yeah, and every other weekend, I go home to my parents. This is not independent living.
Ok, so the dorms aren't that bad. But the walls seem closer together every time I go back to Oshkosh. I'm starting to have fantasies about the apartment. I want to be able to live somewhere. I want an official address, one that I can get real, regular mail at. Somewhere that doesn't close down and lock me out on holidays. Somewhere that I can do what I want, when I want, within the confines of community courtesy and common sense. I want to be able to take a shit or a shower without other people in the room! September 1st, I anxiously await your arrival.
I want to be able to go home to visit my parents, not go home to go home. I want my bedroom turned into storage, or an office, or a meth lab, and I want to be able to sleep on the couch or in the guest bedroom when I come home.
It's not all about the housing either. I am not a contributing member of society. I am unemployed, and I can feel it all over me like an itchy rash.
One could argue that I'm in "job training" right now. Well, "one", you can shove it. School doesn't feel like a full-time job, even when I'm really applying myself. I need work to keep me sane. I know for a fact that it would fix my sleep schedule. And that's not even my main argument for it. My tuition costs roughly $4,000/semester, and, while I'm lucky enough to have savings in place to pay for it, it's a terrible feeling to just sit there and realize I'm costing myself a lot of money just by existing. I think that if I had a job, even a part-time, minimum wage dullfest, I'd feel a lot better about that.
Also, tuition and all that high-level spending aside, I have next to nothing for spending money. My parents are really encouraging me to focus on school, and they've graciously offered to pay my cell phone bill every month, but I feel like a tool for letting them. I'd love a guilt-free, earned source of income that would allow me to take care of that myself, while still leaving me enough to buy a new toy once in a while.
The thing is, there's nothing I can do about any of this until next year. Student jobs on campus are designed to work with financial aid, and even if they weren't, I'd feel guilty taking a job just to ease my stupid conscience about having to pay a cell phone bill when there are people out there who need the income a lot more than I do. My only answer lies in off-campus, part-time employment, and I'm not likely to find anything like that which wouldn't require me to have some form of speedy transit. And, oh yeah, I won't be able to keep my car in Oshkosh until next year. And, oh yeah, I can barely afford my car insurance, and my full-time summer job doesn't net me any leftover money, since all of it goes to insurance and gas. And, oh yeah, it's not even my car! I'm earning it off of my parents little by little, and I still have to pay about $400 to get the front quarter-panel fixed. So all of my little dreams of becoming self-sufficient can just keep getting squashed by reality.
Damn. I need a change. Or I just need to grow up.
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