I don't think we'd get along...

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Jeff
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I don't think we'd get along...

Postby Jeff » 2008.06.24 12:17 am

...if you like the Juno soundtrack. Honestly, to whom is this music marketed? Indie-acoustic-experimental or whatever its trendy title may be is thoroughly unlistenable.

The basic formula is as follows:
- Get an acoustic guitar or two. Do very little to no picking. Strum basic chords messily, that is, drag that pick, fella. Crisp sound is your enemy. Make your chord changes minor, and vary your rhythm only slightly. Don't scare people. The guitar is not the star. Apparently, musical accompaniment is something to be looked down upon, and the shuffling beat being strummed is only begrudgingly accepted.
- Don't sing. Basically, your most accurate vocal inspiration outside of the genre is a movie trailer with a creepy child voice whisper-singing a nursery rhyme. But skip the cadence. Remember, you're basically singing the one or two chords you're strumming, and since you're strumming those chords at a constant and sleep-inducing rate, make sure all of your vocals sound stream-of-consciousness and nothing stands out. Throw out all notions of chorus and verse, and slap anyone that suggests a bridge. Anyone can harmonize with you because there's no variation to your notes. Just keep sing-speaking in a voice that should ideally sound like a woman trying to sound like a precious little girl.
- Lyrically, we don't want anything too smart. In fact, we don't want anything that makes sense at all. For example: "My war paint is sharpie ink and I'll show you how much my shit stinks and ask you what you think because your thoughts and words are powerful. They think we're disposable, well both my thumbs are opposable, spelled out on a double word and triple letter score and we wont stop until somebody calls the cops and even then we'll start again and just pretend that nothing ever happened." Put whatever you want in there as long as it rhymes. Also, keep the rhymes short and simple. AA, BB, AA, BB. Don't you dare stray from the formula.

It's funny, because I sound like I'm describing the start of a Cake song. The thing is, a Cake song fixes itself. You start with simple guitar and simple rhyme schemes, a singer who sounds like he's talking, but then--gasp!--music happens! The song picks up! The foundation, having been laid, is built upon with floors and floors of beautiful variation and accompaniment, vocal dynamics, the whole works.

Listen to anything by Joanna Newsom. I dare you. Now listen to "Waiting" or "Opera Singer" by Cake. If you crave nonsense lyrics, break yourself of the forced, hideous nursery rhymes of Kimya Dawson and just plug in some Beck. At least you won't fall asleep.

I know two people who genuinely like this sort of music, and it's probably why I can't seem to relate to them at all.

I just don't get it. Why does the oft-portrayed, non-traditional search for definition inevitably lead down a path paved in terrible acoustonightmare music? I'd like to think I can be generally understanding of others' musical tastes as my own best resemble a Vegas buffet, but there are certain things I will never allow on my plate, and the very sight of others consuming such refuse can make me nauseous. Please, indie crowd, get very sick of this horrible musical movement and find something, anything else.

You've ruined Juno for me.
I do what I can.

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Postby playswithflowers » 2008.07.02 1:17 pm

I hated the movie Juno. Did not find it funny at all.

I didn't care for the soundtrack that much either.

However peggers loves both of them, so dont knock em' around her.

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Postby playswithflowers » 2009.01.02 2:16 pm

I swear to god, if you dont update your blog I will punch you in the throat.


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